Children deal with confusing or painful situations by trying to make sense of them. Some of the words they use to understand difficult circumstances include “what if,” and “I wonder.” They will also use “should” and “could” to create order when they have little control.

What if?

“What if” questions are sometimes asked when a child’s reality is painful. They can be used to quiet or defuse negative emotions by seeking explanation. Consider the following:

  • “What if I was better at basketball? Would my dad love me more?”
  • “What if I was thinner or better looking? “Would my dad be proud of me?”
  • “What if my mom and dad hadn’t gotten a divorce?”
  • “What if my mom loses her job?”

“What if’s” evoke different scenarios in order to cope with the past, conjure a sense of control, and dull emotional pain.

I Wonder

“I wonder” questions tell a lot about our worries and insecurities. In my counseling practice I’ve heard children ask “I wonder if my parents are going to get a divorce?” Others ask, “I wonder if my dad loves me,” or “I wonder why my parents argue so much,” or “I wonder if my dad will have time to play this weekend?” “I wonder” expresses not only curiosity but hopes and wishes when things seem out of control.

Should

“Should” communicates demand and expectation. It clearly states how people must do things or how life ought to be. “Should” ignores the fact that we can’t control what other people think or decide – it’s a sure sign that your child’s sense of Personal Power (Asset #37) need to become a focus of needed attention.

  • “My dad should spend more time with me!”
  • “Dad’s shouldn’t leave their families!”
  • “My dad should not drink.”
  • “My mom shouldn’t yell.”

These may be true, but what does the word “should” do to someone emotionally? Notice that it is demanding and inflexible. Many times, the word “should” leaves a child frustrated and judgmental if things are not the way they “should” be.

Could

The most hopeful coping word, “could” allows freedom and ownership of the things that can be owned. It lets the child accept the fact that some things are out of his control but life can still be ok, even when things don’t go as hoped or planned. “Could” can bring order to situations that may feel chaotic. It’s a better sign that you child’s sense of Personal Power (Asset #37) is more intact.

For example, “My mom and dad could have stayed married, but they chose to get a divorce. I could still try to have a good relationship with both of them or I could stay angry.”

“Could” provides options like offering grace and forgiveness, and giving up control of things that really can’t be controlled.

Moms and dads are imperfect, and some leave some big wounds and questions behind. Children left in turmoil could be controlled and defined by hurts and insecurities, or they could accept what is and choose freedom — freedom to forgive, freedom to love others, freedom to control what can be controlled, and freedom to write a life story of redemption and resiliency.

Help your kids with their “what if,” “I wonder,” and “should” thoughts and conversations. Teach them to use “could” ideas as they make sense of difficult situations and direct their emotions and thoughts toward freedom.